Frequently parents have come to me and asked my opinions of parenting books; which ones are the best and most popular? I never really had a response for them since I myself have never read a parenting book. All my information comes from research, data, experience, and training in the field of applied behavior analysis.
So do these books work? They make us feel all warm and fuzzy, give us some good advice, and really make us think, right? I guess you have to ask yourself, did it make a difference in the way I treat my child's behavior? More importantly: did my child's behavior change as a result of what I changed in my interactions with her, after I read the book? The answer should be more than "I think so." It should be "I know it did," or "it changed my (or my child's) life."
Take for example "Parenting with Love and Logic." Very nice book, even sold over 450,000 copies. But where is the research behind the book? Does it work, does it change the lives of the families that read the book? To date, there is not a single valid study conducted to see if the techniques in the book are effective.
Where then, should parents go to find how to help their children's behavior? I took a workshop on this very topic in Phoenix in May. Next time I post I will post the books that are imperically validated.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Forced Apologies
The following is not based on research, only on my own opinion of requiring your child to say "sorry":
Telling someone you are sorry means you regret your actions, are publicly declaring it, and asking for someone to acknowledge it by forgiving you. This concept is first of all too difficult for a child to comprehend (it is our duty as parents to teach our children what is right and what is wrong, however it is important to note that small children do not comprehend what right and wrong means, they only understand consequences their parents provide, this is also why lying is such a problem--they know that lying will save them from getting in trouble and by telling the truth they will face punishment, it IS that simple!
Secondly forced apologies end up meaning nothing to the child. By requiring your child to say sorry it is very easy (for them) to do and not punishing, which means they are likely to repeat the behavior. If they have a consequence attached to their behavior they are less likely to repeat the behavior.
Here's a tip: instead of forcing your child to give a half hearted apology, tell them they must fix what they have done wrong (you may want to wait until your child is 3 or 4 to do this)If your child hits their sibling, they must do something for their sibling to make up for it(ex. make their sibling's bed, pick up their toys)
Telling someone you are sorry means you regret your actions, are publicly declaring it, and asking for someone to acknowledge it by forgiving you. This concept is first of all too difficult for a child to comprehend (it is our duty as parents to teach our children what is right and what is wrong, however it is important to note that small children do not comprehend what right and wrong means, they only understand consequences their parents provide, this is also why lying is such a problem--they know that lying will save them from getting in trouble and by telling the truth they will face punishment, it IS that simple!
Secondly forced apologies end up meaning nothing to the child. By requiring your child to say sorry it is very easy (for them) to do and not punishing, which means they are likely to repeat the behavior. If they have a consequence attached to their behavior they are less likely to repeat the behavior.
Here's a tip: instead of forcing your child to give a half hearted apology, tell them they must fix what they have done wrong (you may want to wait until your child is 3 or 4 to do this)If your child hits their sibling, they must do something for their sibling to make up for it(ex. make their sibling's bed, pick up their toys)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Count and Mand: a technique for decreasing whining and related behaviors
Does your child whine/cry/yell to get something they want? Does it drive you crazy? One thing I have a hard time tolerating is a child that whines or yells to get what they want. I can't believe parents allow it. One technique for dealing with this problem behavior is called the count and mand. This concept comes from Dr.Vincent Carbone, a leader in the field of autism.
The count part is like a mini time out in which your child remains quiet while you count (out loud or in your head)so in the future they will learn to ask for the item politely first before whining. The mand comes from B.F. Skinner's analysis of verbal behavior and is a fancy word for request.
When your child wants something that they CAN have but are asking inappropriately you tell them to stop and you count to five (it can also be three or ten depending on your child's age). After you are done counting AND your child has quietly waited you can ask "what do you want?" Then you prompt them to ask nicely by saying "ask nicely" or modeling what they should say "can I have candy?" Once they have asked politely they should get the item immediately. If you wait they may not connect the "asking nice" behavior to the reinforcement.
What if they don't calm down and ask nicely? You start the process over, saying "stop. one, two..." You can repeat this several times until they are calm. If you child has not calmed down after you have repeated yourself 5 or 6 times this may not be a good technique for your child.
What if they are whining for something they cannot have? If they tantrum/whine/cry DO NOT give in! It will only reinforce the behavior, it is best to ignore the behavior or redirect it by diverting their attention to something else.
For more info on the count and mand you can email me at: jennica.verbalbehavior@hotmail.com
The count part is like a mini time out in which your child remains quiet while you count (out loud or in your head)so in the future they will learn to ask for the item politely first before whining. The mand comes from B.F. Skinner's analysis of verbal behavior and is a fancy word for request.
When your child wants something that they CAN have but are asking inappropriately you tell them to stop and you count to five (it can also be three or ten depending on your child's age). After you are done counting AND your child has quietly waited you can ask "what do you want?" Then you prompt them to ask nicely by saying "ask nicely" or modeling what they should say "can I have candy?" Once they have asked politely they should get the item immediately. If you wait they may not connect the "asking nice" behavior to the reinforcement.
What if they don't calm down and ask nicely? You start the process over, saying "stop. one, two..." You can repeat this several times until they are calm. If you child has not calmed down after you have repeated yourself 5 or 6 times this may not be a good technique for your child.
What if they are whining for something they cannot have? If they tantrum/whine/cry DO NOT give in! It will only reinforce the behavior, it is best to ignore the behavior or redirect it by diverting their attention to something else.
For more info on the count and mand you can email me at: jennica.verbalbehavior@hotmail.com
Tantrums and screaming
This is a hot topic and recently my son has had some of these behaviors--at 9 months! I think his "terrible twos" have come early!
So when we look at a behavior we always have to determine the function first--why is the behavior occurring?
The four functions of behavior are the following:
escape (trying to get out of something),
to gain a tangible (to get something),
automatic reinforcement (it feels good, like eating or getting a massage),
and to get attention.
These four reasons are the reasons we behave the way we do. So when your child has a behavior ask yourself why they are doing it. Are they wanting to escape the situation? Do they want my attention? Once you know why they are behaving the way they are, you can effectively treat their behaviors. So if they want attention you do not give it to them, if they want to escape you do not allow them to escape, etc.
So with the tantrums and screaming usually a child wants something tangible or attention. My son has been screaming when I take something away from him he is not suppose to have--like my cell phone. When he screams I never return the item unless he is quiet and is allowed to have the item. It is difficult when you have a young child because they cannot ask for an item.
Questions? Comments?
So when we look at a behavior we always have to determine the function first--why is the behavior occurring?
The four functions of behavior are the following:
escape (trying to get out of something),
to gain a tangible (to get something),
automatic reinforcement (it feels good, like eating or getting a massage),
and to get attention.
These four reasons are the reasons we behave the way we do. So when your child has a behavior ask yourself why they are doing it. Are they wanting to escape the situation? Do they want my attention? Once you know why they are behaving the way they are, you can effectively treat their behaviors. So if they want attention you do not give it to them, if they want to escape you do not allow them to escape, etc.
So with the tantrums and screaming usually a child wants something tangible or attention. My son has been screaming when I take something away from him he is not suppose to have--like my cell phone. When he screams I never return the item unless he is quiet and is allowed to have the item. It is difficult when you have a young child because they cannot ask for an item.
Questions? Comments?
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